Hayden Panettiere defends giving up custody of her daughter despite intense 'emotional pain'

Hayden Panettiere is opening up about what she calls the most painful decision she's ever made as a mother.

In her memoir, "This Is Me: A Reckoning," the "Nashville" alum opens up about why she gave full custody of her daughter, Kaya, to her ex-fiancé, Wladimir Klitschko. Panettiere reveals that her 11-year-old daughter has lived with her father since 2018.

"I just knew that if I wanted to ... I knew how bad a place I was in," the actress told Fox News Digital. "I hid it from my daughter as much as I could."

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"When I saw her in the environment over there (in Europe) and the support system that she had, I said to myself, 'If I fight, if I go to war about this, it's going to permanently damage my child. It's going to be incredibly public. She's got two very famous parents, and it's going to be ugly.'"

"I said, 'You know what? Let her grow up here,'" she said. "I will travel here as much as I can. I know she's safe. I know she's well taken care of — beyond well taken care of. She has an incredible life. And I also knew that there would be a day when she would come back to me."

"I tried to numb myself," the 36-year-old admitted. "It was very hard to wrap my mind around the pain, the emotional pain of that. But you keep putting one foot in front of the other somehow."

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In the book, Panettiere wrote that not being under the same roof as Kaya has been "the most gut-wrenching experience of my life."

"... I grieve that I'm not the mother I thought I'd be and definitely not the mother I want to be (trust me, no one should ever have to raise a child on FaceTime), and although I miss Kaya so much, my heart aches, I know how blessed I am to be her mom."

Panettiere reflected on filming "Nashville" while navigating a difficult pregnancy, which was ultimately written into her character Juliette Barnes' storyline.

Panettiere's pregnancy was marked by a series of frightening health scares. She described how doctors spotted concerning abnormalities during prenatal scans and warned that Kaya might have microcephaly. The actress sought solace in Hawaii, a place she has long considered a refuge.

While she was there, Klitschko shared a Ukrainian tradition for good luck, urging her to kneel before a tree, hold onto it and "thank God for everything He has given you and pray for what you need."

Weeks later, Panettiere endured a life-threatening delivery. During her C-section, doctors called a "code crimson" after her blood wouldn't clot and her uterus became infected. She underwent three hours of emergency surgery.

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"I almost passed away while having my daughter," Panettiere told Fox News Digital. "I had seven blood transfusions. I didn't know if I was going to make it."

During her recovery, Panettiere struggled to bond with her daughter.

"You hear these stories from your friends about their experiences, and they're so positive," she said. "They also tell you about 'the baby blues.' At first, I thought, 'I just have the baby blues.' But it just kept going and going, deeper and deeper, worse and worse. And the doctors wouldn't even diagnose me with anything. My way of trying to cope with it was drinking because of the anxiety and the inability to sleep."

"You are just discontent and unhappy all the time," Panettiere said. "You just feel like it's really dark. It doesn't make rational sense. It's not logical. And yet, you're trying to make sense of it. But when it's going on for 10 months afterward, you're like, there's something seriously wrong."

In the memoir, Panettiere recalled enduring "long days of nothingness stretching before me" as anxiety took over, becoming "the hulking monster that sits in your chest and erases your confidence and motivation." Despite having "everything I've ever wanted," she remained deeply "unhappy."

She self-medicated with alcohol. The actress entered treatment for the first time when Kaya was 4 months old after realizing her drinking had spiraled out of control.

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"When you wake up in the morning and the first thing you're thinking about is having a drink, it's a problem," Panettiere said.

Panettiere realized she needed treatment.

"I just knew that I had to get help, do it for myself. I knew I was no good in the condition that I was in. I did everything that I could, and I came out sober, but I was still struggling with postpartum. But I was the one who asked to go to treatment."

Panettiere said she reached a breaking point and realized she needed professional help after alcohol became her way of coping with persistent postpartum depression following childbirth.

"I talked to my daughter's father about it, and I was like, 'I need help, professional help. I need somebody to fix me because this depression for the rest of my ... is it ever going to go away? Is this the new normal? Am I going to have to just understand that I'm going to always be depressed for the rest of my life?' So when I went to treatment, it was me going, 'I'm at my breaking point. I need intervention. I need professionals. I need somebody to guide me through this.'"

In the book, Panettiere wrote that in 2015, the anxiety "crept back in, then overtook me," buzzing "like a fluorescent light, keeping me reactive, on edge and full of dread." She became reliant on prescription medication to help her cope.

As Panettiere continued battling addiction and mental health challenges, her relationship with Klitschko unraveled. In 2018, he presented her with papers seeking full custody of Kaya, telling her, "I want full custody. I worry about Kaya when she's with you."

Panettiere defended herself, insisting their daughter was always surrounded by loving caregivers and that she had "never been drunk and alone with Kaya" while she was in her care. Even so, she ultimately chose not to contest the custody arrangement, writing that she believed it was the best decision for Kaya while she worked to rebuild her life.

"I was mortified when I saw stories like 'Hayden Panettiere gave up her daughter,'" she said.

"I was heartbroken. It's not like I live for other people's opinions of me, but I'm also a human being. Everyone wants to be understood. And I had to tell myself every day that she's in an amazing environment. She's learning different languages. She's passionate about horseback riding. She has friends, she has a great support system."

"I felt like I made the right call," she reflected. "I've seen who she is and she's an incredible human being. Something must have gone right."

Panettiere wrote that she has an "incredibly strong" bond with Kaya.

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"I travel a lot to Europe, and I spend a lot of time on FaceTime with her," she explained. "And Wlad and I have a good relationship. We made a promise to each other that we would never say a bad word about each other to our child. That was something that I grew up with. And we've stuck to that."

"She's 11 now, so time is flying," Panettiere said. "I feel like she's becoming more and more curious about me, my life and who I am. We're so similar. She is me. I understand her in a way that nobody else can."

Today, Panettiere said she's doing "great" and hopes sharing her story will encourage other mothers suffering in silence to seek help.

"I feel connected to myself," she said. "I feel like I'm taking good care of myself, checking in with myself. And I have a laundry list of things I would love to accomplish and create. I feel more connected with myself than I ever have before."