Hiring a matchmaker? Read this before dropping thousands of dollars.

Singles are growing increasingly disenchanted with dating apps, and those with the means are turning to matchmakers. But with such an investment — oftentimes thousands of dollars, which is way more than Tinder Gold — there's a lot at stake.

Matchmaker Sameera Sullivan told Mashable she's been a matchmaker in the U.S. for almost 15 years now, first at an international agency (though she didn't name which one) and then striking out on her own. Previously, she worked as a recruiter in the aerospace and defense industry, and then was recruited herself to be a matchmaker. Before matchmaking, she would always coach and help friends.

When she worked for the agency, "that's when I started realizing how crazy this industry can be," she said. Sullivan stayed there for less than a year and observed what they were doing "wrong," and then started doing her own thing. 

What did they do wrong? These "bigbox" matchmaking agencies are "living off their brand," she said. "The owners are not really involved [and] they will take on everybody," she explained. "Then there are newer companies who are doing a lot of marketing and SEO…which is fine, but they're marketing to every demographic." 

Matchmaking is a centuries-old practice in places like India and China, but what was once a community-oriented assist has now become a booming business, especially stateside. With arguably as many options for matchmakers out there as dating apps, you're going to need to be discerning. If you're in a position to hire a matchmaker, here's what to do, according to Sullivan and some of her clients.

Why hire a matchmaker?

Sullivan's clients who spoke to Mashable have paid thousands of dollars — in the five figures — for her services and those of other matchmakers. Why drop so much money when, in relative terms, a paid dating app subscription is much cheaper?

A male client, 65 to 70 years old, who requested anonymity when speaking to Mashable, said he had dating site fatigue and wanted to find an alternative. He wanted a boutique, bespoke service with better filtering.

"Just moving from dating sites to a matchmaker gives you, I think, a better pool," he said. The singles are pre-screened and are definitely interested in a relationship, unlike on dating apps, where users' desires range widely. And from a safety standpoint, it might be better, given increased vetting.

"Vetting is the most important thing in matchmaking," Sullivan said.

Sullivan told Mashable that her vetting process includes not just a criminal background check, but also a background check for their career history, if they've owned any homes, marriage history, and the like. If they were previously married, they would check to make sure they're fully divorced. She or her team also conducts interviews, typically 90 minutes long, to learn more about them and what they're looking for.

How thorough background checks are depends on the service you use, however. Cheryl, who has worked with Sullivan, had a bad experience when a previous service matched her with men out of her home state. Keeping an open mind, she flew to Florida to meet one, and during dinner (which he didn't pay for), he "joked" that he'd take her for everything she's worth.

"The waiter paused and looked at me, and I paused and looked at him, and… at one point I said, 'Hey, just so you know, you said that out loud, and I can see you,'" she said. "I think he was using the service as a way to find rich women." 

Cheryl reported the man to the service, and they did remove him. However, the experience didn't turn her off matchmaking entirely — she found Sullivan when looking for a matchmaker close by.

Matchmaker red flags

When you reach out to matchmaking services, they'll often have a consultation first before they take you on, usually through a phone call. During this call, you might be able to spot some red flags. 

Be on the lookout for any promises or guarantees they make. Some services guarantee match offerings, but beyond that, they can't tell you they're going to find you a spouse. Sullivan's client, Ro, tried a big matchmaking agency, and the salesperson who spoke to him sold him on it. When FaceTiming, Ro says she told him that finding him a partner would be a slam dunk — but then, after he signed up, she said she doesn't handle clients, and palmed him off to a colleague.

"That was a disappointment right away," Ro said. He was also promised weekly check-ins, but then didn't hear from the service for two or three weeks at a time.

"They promised me a minimum amount of dates. They came through with the minimum amount of connections, but I turned a lot of them down," he recalled. "They just didn't get me."

"I run a company, and we do sales, and I just don't love salespeople that are selling me on stuff," Richard, another client who has used multiple matchmaking services, said. He found Sullivan authentic because she didn't make those promises. She told him, "I'm not going to find you love. I'm going to find you candidates."

Another potential red flag (depending) is the clientele of the business. If they promise to provide services to every demographic, they may not be able to focus on a specific group and their needs (for instance, a certain religion or gender). Some matchmakers are specific to certain locations (if you search for "California matchmakers," for instance, you'll find some that tailor to singles in that state, and you'll also find services that are nationwide or global).

"We have a moral code," Sullivan said of matchmakers. "We have a responsibility that we have to be responsible for who we take on, because we cannot take on everyone. Not everyone is going to be our client who's willing to pay us."

Sullivan only takes on certain clients. She charges a premium price (some clients pay in the six figures), but it's not just about who can pay; it's about who wants to do the work. She employees a coach who assesses clients based on attachment styles and Dr. Helen Fisher's personality test, and uses the Gottman Method of couples' therapy. If potential clients aren't into this, she doesn't work with them.

"Some guys just want dates, and that's not my thing," she said. And while she has a free and priority (paid) database of women — who are also vetted — her clientele is only men.

Some services, though, are more focused on money than integrity, she said, and agree to take on anyone.

Questions for the matchmaker

When consulting with a matchmaker, you can ask them to show you some sample profiles of potential matches in their database. One of the most important things Sullivan tells people to ask is: Are the people you're showing me single and available today? Have they been pre-screened? (Meaning, have they spoken to the matchmaking service?)

"You need to have a very detailed conversation," Sullivan said. 

The matchmaker may say they can't show you because you haven't started with them yet (especially if they're waiting for your check to clear), but Sullivan said that's BS, because the person they're showing you during a consultation should be a fit. "If you're going to take somebody on and you're telling them, 'These are the five women we have [for you],' three of them should be available and single," she said. 

Another thing to ask is who you're going to be working with — the salesperson? If so, how long have they been with the company? That was an issue in Ro's case; he bonded with the salesperson, but didn't end up working with her. Who you end up working with depends on the matchmaking service. At Sullivan's, for instance, you could end up working with the first person who screens you.

Another important aspect to bring up is location. If you're only looking for a match in Arizona, for instance, the matchmaker should be able to show you singles in Arizona. Local is important, obviously, and there are matchmakers all over; if the one you're speaking to doesn't have clients where you are, they could refer you to someone who does.

Richard said the most important thing is connecting with your matchmaker, because you're going to spend a lot of time on the phone with them. Both he and Ro said to do your due diligence and research. You can look on Google or Reddit to see how people review different services (but, as with everything, take it with a grain of salt.)

Even if you do everything right, however, love and marriage aren't guaranteed. "It may or may not work." The difference, she said, is that you're not doing the looking. So measure your expectations because, as she said, "Love's tricky."