I spent years trying to make family vacations perfect. Giving up made them fun again.

• I love traveling and was looking forward to bringing my kids along with me when I became a parent.
• But what we want in a vacation differs, and I spent years feeling exhausted by our family trips.
• I've changed my expectations for what family vacations should look like, and we're all much happier

For years, when people have asked me how my family vacations were, I'd smile and say something along the lines of, "Great, but I need another one to recover."

The truth was, while I'd been away to relax and have fun, I usually felt exhausted by the time I got home, thanks to conflicting expectations about what we all wanted to do.

My husband, our kids (now 7 and 9), and I have tried trips to hotels in Cornwall, holiday parks in France, and cottages in Wales, but none were what I would describe as restful.

Our trip wish lists are very different

I adore traveling, and when I had children, I thought I would just bring them along and have similar experiences with them. My favorite trips involved beautiful hotels, European cities, sightseeing, lying on the beach, and long lunches at sidewalk cafes.

When I had one baby, this was still fairly easy to accomplish. After all, babies are amenable and don't have strong views on where you go for dinner. We went to Italy and on road trips around the UK, and he wasn't too difficult to travel with.

But as he grew into a toddler and we had another child, I realized family vacations would no longer be the same as my pre-children vacations.

Our individual needs and ideas of what constitutes a good time differ greatly. While heaven for me is a late dinner and an Aperol spritz while sitting on a Roman street, my kids want pizza at 6 p.m., followed by cartoons back in the hotel room. I'd love a day looking around Pompeii or lying on the Amalfi Coast while they'd prefer to be engaged in soft play somewhere or splashing around in a family-friendly swimming pool. I want architectural arcades; they want arcade games.

Vacations became more of an endurance test than a rest

I spent years fighting our competing ideas, trying to make my kids fit my ideals of family vacations. They didn't love it. When we were on trips, they didn't want to pose for family photos or sit through pasta dinners at sunset.

I'd end up stressed out and annoyed that my ideas about what our trips should be like weren't coming to life. They'd be frustrated at having to do things they didn't want to do, like museum trips and sightseeing. None of us were getting what we wanted.

This turned family trips into a challenge for all of us, and the experience felt more like an endurance test than a break, with me constantly trying to make things go according to plan I had formed and convince my kids to go along with my ideas. I returned home from our adventures frazzled and feeling like I needed a rest more than when I started.

Changing my expectations became the secret to happy family vacations

After many years of struggling with this, I have now realized the secret to enjoying my family trip: lowering my expectations. I'm no longer bothered by trying to do it all when we go away or making my kids fit into my ideas of what a trip away should be like.

We now prioritize a child-led approach to plans and destinations. I'm happy to book less beautiful hotels and stay in places with pools, early dining options, and family-friendly activities. While I miss the aesthetics, I know that there will be time for gorgeous city breaks when they are older. For now, I'm prioritizing peace, ease, and comfort.

This strategy has transformed how we travel, and it means that, for the first time, family trips feel like fun again. They aren't like they were before, but knowing my kids are safe, happy, and having a great time is worth it. I've learned a 6 p.m. pizza and Aperol Spritz can be a little slice of heaven, too.